Tuesday, July 19, 2011

super.hype: In Which I Attempt to Deny Ambiguity

I've been doing a lot of thinking to do ever since The Great Indie Games Jam Weekend ended. What direction is this blog going in? What can readers expect from me each time I post? What kind of material do I want to read about, write about, and talk about? WHAT KIND OF A PERSON AM I?

All these thoughtful, deep, existential crises arise whenever I feel like I have too much to do and too little time to do it. Also, I am rather prone to fits of philosophical paralysis. The greatest hurt of all is the impassioned, amorous guilt I have for not highlighting all the amazing work and ideas that have been coming out of the Indie Development scene, which is being fought back by the indefatigable hammer-arm of my appreciation for Traditional Big-Time Development.


Each of these industries has its strengths and weaknesses; each is valuable in its own right. So, in the interest of being unbiased and well-rounded, I will continue to use this feature as a way to infuse some well-meaning (if misguided and at times not well-meaning at all) AAA-ness into this blog and into my own gaming habits. Even if my gut of guts churns at the thought of enjoying a title built upon the detritus of crushed souls under the 20-tonne iron will of slavering publishers, my heart of hearts knows that I cannot be considered an honest man if I do not give these games a fair shake and an honest first impression.


SO HERE WE GO!


Your girlfriend's cat was playing with a bag of Jelly Bellies™ and spilled some under your pleather couch.
You mutter cursed feline obscenities under your breath as you reach for that cumbersome grasping device called a super.hype...

Let's just assume you've never heard of this game before. You never went to college in the 90s, you never tripped on acid and dreamed about walking robotically through corridors with hypertonic dystonia and a wicked trigger finger, and you have no idea what "rockets only" or what an "RC-P90" is. But you like shooters. Then this may be the game for you!
High-fidelity Retro-gaming!
Modernized Classic Gameplay devices!
Classic Characters, reimagined!
Oh God. Who am I kidding. This is a frickin' atrocity.
With new media just released, it's been confirmed that this game is actually going to be a relatively straightforward port of the Wii Goldeneye 007 revival. Why they didn't simply name it "Goldeneye 007 HD - Not Wii" is beyond me. eee

By: Activision/Bizarre Creations. Rating -Still not as cool as the original-


Catherine (i.e. Animalistic rutting about)
Sex sells. Apparently it also climbs blocks in its underwear and does wacky dances in attempts to escape forced sex with extremely attractive but possibly domineering and murderous women. But hey, sex! I would post more screenshots, but there are KIDS around the internet, okay? If they want more of that scantily clad, unrealistic boob-physics action, just google "Dead or Alive: Extreme Volleyball". Don't tell your parents where you got that info, kids.
Aside from the fact that it is relying heavily on sex to promote itself, the game actually does look very eccentric; it seems to be an honest attempt at something unconventional and challenging (in many ways *wink*). Atlus has built a pretty good reputation for creating, importing, and promoting peculiar, but still high-quality, titles that have often found and filled a desire that many people were unaware that they had until they played them. Let's hope that Catherine is no different.
Judging from the promotional material, it probably won't disappoint.


By: Atlus Software. Rating -Please, no more crazy bitches-


As you clear the last of the Jelly Bellies™ from underneath your discount furniture, 
your now sweat-drenched shirt gets snagged on a carpenter's nail and is torn cleanly in twain.
You're of no use now, stupid super.hype. 
In the meantime, get rid of that stupid cat*.

*I actually love cats. Though they can be frickin' annoying sometimes.