Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A snag

Hi everybody,

I've hit a serious block in terms of writing for the past few days. Granted, updating 3 or 4 times a week is a lot, but I guess I just don't LIKE IT when I feel like I can't write.

So...not liking it right now. Though, I do have a review pending for Alpha Protocol. An unfortunate gem, I'd call it.

The truth is is that I'm going through a really major period of transition right now and I really don't know what the future of this blog will be. So for the first time since I started posting 100% gaming-related material on this blog, prepare yourselves for:

Starring "the me in team"

I'm moving up to Hayward, CA in a few weeks to bring a 2-year intensive pre-medical certificate program. My eventual aim is to become a doctor, cure disease, and be awesome. I haven't really done much awesome in my life for the past 8 years (not counting all the time I spend making my girlfriend happy, which is awesome), and I haven't really had much reason to.

Jean Rouchefeoucauld chronicled the boredom of the elite as a way of staving off boredom. The strange thing is that nowadays, everyone is bored. Not bored like "this homework is boring", but bored like "this life is rather boring, isn't it?" It's that feeling that nothing is worth doing. When I was younger, I always felt like nothing was worth doing.

Now I'm here, and apparently I've missed a lot of the time I could have spent PRETENDING like things were worth doing, and as a result of my pretending eventually fooled myself into thinking that things were worth doing. But that always sounded distasteful to me, like some kind of metaphysical hypocrisy or something. If something is worth doing, it will be. I don't need to pretend.

So now I'm embarking on this effort of pretending, with the intent to no longer pretend, hoping that somewhere along the way this pretending will become truth for me, and no longer simply pretend. Will it happen? I don't know. I never really know, and I suppose that's why I've always doubted the worthiness of doing things in life.

"Anomie" is another word I've always been enamored with, ironically. Anomie is the state of being ideologically "homeless", where your ideas and your perceptions don't seem to match with anything else in the "real" world. The ironic part is that once it's been labeled, it becomes part of the real world by virtue of the fact that there are others who relate to it. But it doesn't lose its power. I am still anomic.

As things progress (and it does feel like progress), I am happy, though. I am looking forward to living away from home for some time, learning new things, and preparing for a meaningful career. I just don't know where it leaves much of "the rest of me". I have this fear for others as well, and am sometimes disappointed to see potential be lost in the pursuit of "career". But it's a naive and young thought of mine, so I've been told.

I'll keep up this blog, because I think video games are important. Meaningful, even. In every aspect. The development phase demonstrates the tenacity of people; the design phase the creativity. The testing phase shows us their humility and their cleverness; and bug-hunting itself is a discipline far beyond that of any sport or ritualistic religious act. But beyond that, they are fun, they are insightful, and they are part of my life. They give me the chance to explore the unexplored, to adventure into the unknown of the nonexistent, and to escape into the familiar or the beautiful.

Even as my days continue, and I do become that awesome being of a doctor of a man who cures disease, I think I would still like to maintain my reverence for games.

We will walk this thin line
We will walk this short life
We will feel this short breath
We will feel this fake death

We will turn back and see
What has been, will again be
We will look forward and sigh
What will again be, will still die